Me, my body and I

This is my 32 year old body. A body that has been through an incredible amount. It has given birth to two beautiful babies. It has had two knee operations, removal of my appendix when heavily pregnant, a C Section and a bowel resection and has had a Stoma. It’s now battling the big C and is being hit with chemotherapy every two weeks. Inside I’m proud of what it has gone through. Proud of just how strong it has been.

So why is it that I am still obsessed with body image? As an adult living in the now where money buys you beauty, in a world of Kardashians and Instagram models is it any wonder we are so fixated on the ‘perfect body’

For me, weight and the way that I see myself has always been a huge battle. Never happy with my appearance, always striving to change but being so stuck in the binge eating, feeling rubbish cycle that I have never been able to shift.

When I fell ill I lost a lot of weight. And I’m ashamed to say it actually made me feel better. For the first time in my life I was happy with the size I was, and as ridiculous as it sounds being smaller made me able to feel more confident. The more confident I felt the easier it was to cope.

Before my operation to have a Stoma, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t eat properly, I was sick and had the most awful stomach pain. But since my Stoma I feel amazing. I can eat, drink and I don’t have any pain.

Only I have gone back to that cycle again. And I have put on weight. Not lots but enough for me to start feeling uncomfortable again. Enough for me now to wearing all black. Hiding away from the camera, buying things too big to ‘cover’.

Isn’t it crazy that in the midst of life, when I have been struck down with cancer, I’m doing everything I can to just stay alive, and it’s my appearance that occupies more of my mind. And that is when I realise that we all have our demons, that to some people it may seem absolutely absurd. But I know that there will be lots of people reading this that will be able to relate. That can understand how body image can become such a huge part of your life.

So to sum up I know that I need to change my lifestyle in order to stay as positive as I can. I follow a wonderful lady called bowelbabe on instagram. She recently did a story on how exercise can help slow down cancer production. How it releases ‘happy’ hormones. So instead of eating my feelings I really am going to do something about it. To make sure I can stay as in my happy place as much as I can. So that I can get my mind and body strong, and so I won’t look back on photo’s, of memories that I’m trying to create and scrutinise every picture.

I also want my girls to grow up feeling confident about their bodies, knowing how to lead a healthy lifestyle and not spend their entire life, like I have worried about how they look, not feeling content in their own body.

To everyone out there that struggles with their weight, body image and confidence I feel you. We are in this together and even though this might be my 884th ‘fresh start’ I’m hoping it’s the last one.

Lisa xx